We all have those times when we think about our life and the choices that brought us to where we are. Admittedly, I have probably been giving those choices a lot more thought of late, than I ever did previously, all put together. We are all the sum of our parts, the choices and how they played out, are what make us each the person we are.

I’ve read that people think about these things more and more as they approach mid-life. From what I’ve read that’s been about thinking of the things you’ve done wrong, coming to terms with the regrets. Some people even lash out from this reflection and have their “Mid-Life Crisis.” I was worried about that, quite frankly, as I’ve been wading through these thoughts at the same time I’ve been battling a spout of drama in my work life. It was a little terrifying; to think about all of the things in my life that I’ve done wrong or worse, didn’t do at all. I’m past forty, I had so many things I wanted to accomplish… etc, etc. I can see why people fall in to that trap.

Luckily for me, I got some help from a very unlikely source this week. Church. Earlier in the month my mother sent Conner this spiffy little Easter Outfit. Well one look at that outfit and I’d offered to go on an outing with my Wife for Family Easter at her Church. The trip was supposed to be for her, maybe a little bit for Conner. I wasn’t expecting to get anything out of it, myself. Truth be told, I’m fairly certain I didn’t get anything that was truly meant to come out of the sermon. Yet, as I was sitting there rocking Conner to sleep and eye-balling my wife as she sand something or other from her hymnal, it kind of struck me. This reckoning of mine, that those thoughts of regret weren’t mine. They were some projection from the books and articles I’d been reading.

The reality is and has always been that I have very little regrets with my life. There are some of course, but in my thoughts today I had this really startling moment that just came to me. If I didn’t make the choices I made, my life wouldn’t have lead me here to where I am. All I was left with is the idea that maybe things would be different, but do I want that? I sat there, at this foreign Church, with my wife and son. Knowing for certain that I would get nothing from the experience. Only to be shaken by the knowledge that just came to me, out of the blue. Those regrets washed away.

Those thoughts of a different life? Just sort of evaporated. Those thoughts of disappointing loved ones who I’ll never see again? The memory of seeing my cousin Ross in Conner’s eyes filled that hollow feeling. Just as the knowledge that; as they were saying in Church today, I’ll see them again some day. They’re out there somewhere. Whether you believe in Heaven, Hell or whatever version of the after-life. Some part of them is out there. Watching.

Maybe even through Conner’s eyes.